Thursday, December 28, 2006

A schedule from today and a schedule from 10 months ago: A Side-by-Side Comparison

10 months ago:
9:30 am. Wake up. Spend morning watching television and drinking coffee in bed.
11 am. Consider going to class as a viable option.
11:30 am. While watching Jeopardy, realize that I'm on a roll. Opt to skip class to further my knowledge of trivia.
12:30 pm. Eat 1/3 box of Oreo cookies for lunch. Vow to seriously consider going on a diet. Realize that fail-proof method of "willing yourself thin" may not actually be fail-proof. It's actually just a sophisticated version of denial.
2 pm. Attend afternoon class. Commend self on very true-to-life rendition of History professor drawn in notebook. Brief nap.
3:45pm-7pm. Work as cashier at union grill. Hate the very existence of customers. Help self to free food. Make lots of plans about how productive I will be after I get off of work.
7pm. Prime-time television. Finish remaining Oreos.
12 am. Realize 7 page paper is actually due at 9 am tomorrow. Panic. Make coffee for the long night ahead.
12:30 am. Continue to panic, but even harder as coffee has heightened level of anxiety. E-mail teacher for extension.

Today:
5:30 am.
Wake up to sound of not one, not two, but three blaring alarm clocks, all going off at different times. Realize that no one in their right mind is up at this hour. Head to gym.
7am. Arrive at gym. Realize that given the fact that it's 7 am and I'm on a treadmill, and that I haven't just fallen asleep on a treadmill somehow, it might officially be time I check myself into a psychiatric clinic for help.
9ish. Arrive at work. Leave again to get coffee.
Check e-mail a minimum of 105 times during work.
10am-5ish. Contemplate places I'd rather be. Make big plans for what I will do after I get off of work.
6-10pm. Arrive at home. Top off a frozen dinner with six packets of Sugar-free, fat-free hot chocolate or 7 popsicles. Prime-time television.
10:30pm. Set alarm clocks. Go to bed.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Babies: Part II

While we're on the subject of babies, I was just looking through my work inbox, and uncovered the e-mail proclaiming the baby's arrival to the world. I wonder what Jesus' birth announcement e-mail would have looked like had it been sent around Mary & Joseph's places of employment. I thought I'd relay the message to you, in case you are the person in charge of announcing the birth of babies in your workplace. Or if you are in charge of announcing rapidly approaching natural disasters. I think they use standard formatting, you can just insert the appropriate baby's name. Any removal of exclamation points is strictly discouraged.

Subject: Baby [insert last name here] is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Message body:

Hello All,

[Name of mother] has just given birth to a beautiful baby [boy/girl]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not know the weight or height yet, but will pass this information along as soon as I hear! CONGRATULATIONS [father] & [mother] and welcome baby [last name]!!!!!!!! We love you!!!!

Love,
[Your name here]

You may want to consider adding the following:
"Any Christmas bonuses/tuition reimbursements/weekly paychecks you would normally receive at this time or in the next three years time will be donated to the baby's college fund. If the baby is too stupid to get into a state or community college, but demonstrates potential in modeling, this money will be used towards color headshots and modeling school, and to foster an eating disorder. Additionally, any of your unused paid time off will be donated to [the mother], so that she can spend six extra months trying to lose the weight she gained from her pregnancy before she comes back to work. WELCOME, [baby]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Babies at the office.

No matter how much I like you, I am probably not that excited to see your baby. I assume this will change once my friends start having babies, or if I manage to spontaneously adopt some kind of maternal instinct, but for now my excitement level upon seeing a baby is probably equal to seeing a Golden Girls rerun on television. When someone brings in a baby (their own baby, I'm assuming, I don't think the hospital would show the same kind of enthusiasm for an abducted baby), there is a buzz created around the office. Multiple people approach me to inform me that there is an actual baby, right here, in this very office. It has a little baby nose and a pair of baby eyes and flexible limbs, just like people always said babies would have. I know I'm expected to share the same kind of reaction, after all, I am a woman, but I'm incapable and unwilling to fake such excitement.

Inappropriate reactions to seeing someone's baby for the first time:
"God, that kid is big. You probably have to change its diapers a lot!"
"Yeah, he doesn't look like he'll be walking anytime soon - not the sharpest kid in the playpen, eh?"
"Man, his head is huuuuuuge. I bet you have to buy him adult-sized hats."
"Sooo, where was he conceived?"
"Corrective surgery is making some real advancements. You'll probably be able to get that fixed in a few years."