New job, new after-work bars!

A new career comes with a host of changes to get used to. You're working for a new boss, you have a different company e-mail address, different workload, probably similar sexual harassment laws. But these are just the obvious differences. There are many subtle nuances to consider before you start your new job.

For instance, what kind of work environment will you now be in? A cubicle in a large open room? Or will you be sharing an office with one other person, so that when she is out sick for the day or even leaves to use the restroom, you ostensibly have your very own office?

Will you have fresh coffee brewed for you daily? Free bagels and cheese on Friday mornings and a fridge stocked with beer on Friday afternoons? State of the art computing systems? If you work for a non-profit, the answer to all these questions is likely to be "no."

Consider the environment outside your office building. Are you close enough in proximity to shops get a variety of errands and tasks done during the day? How far is the nearest Subway shop? Is a Starbucks within reasonable walking distance or will you be forced to go against the very grain of your being by switching to Dunkin' Donuts, thus further morphing yourself into a "Bostonian"?

In close relation to my last point, assess your new selection of after-work bars. For example, if you are moving from the Beacon Hill area (Mass. General Hospital terrain) to the Fleet Center area, you are presumably forfeiting the chance to mingle with a large population of doctors and surgeons. This is not true, however, as someone recently informed me that doctors don't actually go to bars. So it could be in fact a welcome change for you because that dream has already been shattered.

Are there enough colorful, eccentric homeless persons identifiable by a single trait (i.e. the one who always wears a pirate hat, the one who you saw urinating inside government center station) to keep you entertained yet slightly uneasy for the majority of the day?

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A good job is likely to be one that is not chosen haphazardly or at random because you needed to make a car payment. Or because you assumed since the higher-ups would be traveling to places like Sydney or London, you would inevitably be invited to travel too, because that is probably a false assumption.

I'm not denying the fact that I'm on a power trip.

This is a very critical week for me.

Why is that? Because for the next four days, I will have my very own office. That's right: roughly 20 feet by 20 feet all to myself, in which to do distracting things like eat very crunchy foods (think apples, potato chips), and to develop irritating nervous habits like incessantly clearing my throat and clicking my pen without fear of creating inter-office animosity. Why the sudden power trip? A large promotion within a week of working here based on my proven excellence? Not exactly. The coworker I share the office with happens to be out of town until Thursday. Nevertheless, I still plan to take full advantage of the fact that I have my own office space by temporarily displaying my personalized gold-plated nameplate (Ashley E. Freeland: Chief Executive Senior President), and by periodically pacing around my office with a mug of coffee, furrowing my brow in a fit of imagined frustration. Because as I said, this is a very important week for me.

Quiz. Time to tender your resignation?

Is it time to start looking for a new job? Take this simple questionnare to find out if you should stay put or if you should start filing for unemployment benefits. Add 1 point for each "yes" response.

Do you spend 30% or more of your workday on any of the following activities?

• Looking for other jobs
• Banging your head against your desk repeating "why God, why?"
• Shouting profanities at office appliances (or your coworkers)?
• Carving "HELP" into your desk with a letter opener and hoping someone notices
• Animating your desk supplies and acting out elaborate soap-opera-esque dramas
• Volunteering for things like blood drives just so you can get out of work for an hour or more?
• Trying to relive college experiences by asking college friends to describe the kegger they had this weekend in full detail, no information spared
• Contemplating the meaning of our existence

Does the sound of your coworkers voice give you an ulcer?

Estimate how many people at your company actually know your name (your REAL name, this doesn't count people who salute you as "Ted" instead of "Frank," etc.). Is it:
a) 0. I don't think my boss even knows I still work here. (add 5 points. Your company may not notice your existence, but we applaud you. You're doing a great job, Ted)
b) 1-4 (add 3 points)
c) 5-10 (add 2 points)
d)10-15 (add 1 point)
e) 15+. Everyone loves me. I own this place. (add 0 points, you pompous ass)

Total your points. If you counted a sum of:
15 or more: Are you sure you can count? You need a new job, preferably something with no math involved.
10-14: Did you by any chance write this quiz?
6-9: You may not know it yet, but you need a new job. Keep something on the back-burner just in case. Hot dog stands not excluded.
3-5: Do you get to wear jeans to work? If yes, you may have 6 months or so before you will need to start looking for a new job.
0-3: You probably don't realize it, but you need a new job. In that case, can I have your job?

When Television Attacks

The quality of the television show should be determined by the number of people that made life-altering decisions as a direct result of watching it. For instance, though I never would have admitted to it six months ago, House, M.D. prompted me to pursue a career in healthcare. Where did I end up? Working for a hospital in an office building across the street from the hospital, buried in a stack of regulatory binders and Institutional Review Board comments.